Inquiries Welcome

Travels, multiple-bris days, and certain areas in FL come in spurts. There are busy times as a mohel, and there are slower times.

But the inquiries come ALL the time. Just to share a few snippets from the last few days:

• Our baby's bilirubin count shot up to 21 the afternoon before his bris, which is scheduled for tomorrow morning. What should we do? Do the bris on time, or delay it?
• My parents are Jewish. But I am a Messianic Jew (who believes Jesus is the Messiah). Will you do the bris on my son?
• Our twins were born at 34 weeks and weigh in the 3.5-pound zone. When would the bris take place?
• Do all participants in the bris ceremony have to be Jewish? What if the baby's father is not Jewish?
• Why should I use you (or any mohel) instead of a doctor?

Every one's circumstance is unique. Everyone has a personal story. Every child is a miracle. And every tale is one step in a special journey of life. Thank you for bringing me in to playing a small part in your life - whether the inquiry is in Florida, Connecticut, Illinois, Nebraska, Puerto Rico, Washington (state). I am glad you found my website and called me to chat. Cheers!

When the Mother is Not Jewish

I have addressed questions of the baby's "maternity" in the past.
See here for the question regarding level of observance
See my thought on the 'definition of what makes someone a Jew'
And most relevant to the topic at hand, this discussion of the different pairings of parents looking for a bris or circumcision

THE NECESSARY DISCLAIMER:
I am not judging you, if you and your spouse (or 'significant other') are an example of the statistic under discussion. What I am doing is explaining where I'm coming from when these situations come my way, and why I choose to act in the manner that will be described.


Living in Florida, I have become acutely sensitive to the statistic that America is the home of more than 50% intermarriage rates. I know that even the word "intermarriage" is a taboo and politically insensitive word. But it is a word found in a dictionary, and the Oxford online definition explains it to mean "marriage between people of different races, castes, or religions."

The races or castes definitions are irrelevant to me. This melting pot society doesn't/shouldn't care so much about them anyway. But the "religions" concern - that's a different story.

Other religions (Christianity, Islam) view marriages to non-coreligionist partners as intermarriages. So does Judaism.

What a bunch of insensitive bigots!

Not really. Religion (opium of the masses and all that) is either transmitted by birth or by choice (and education, of course), and only has a real fighting chance to sustain itself in future generations if children are given one message from their parents. And, I am sorry to say, "We will give our child doses of both so s/he can choose what to be when s/he is older" will do more damage and cause more confusion for the child than if you make the choice for your child yourselves.

For example, those who say (and this usually happens in a similar-to-'My-Big-Fat-Greek-Wedding' manner), "We are raising the child Jewish," who plan to introduce the child to ZERO nuances of a different religion simply because the non-Jewish spouse is completely areligious are doing a very different job than the family who will be celebrating December with a "Hanukkah Bush."

To The Point


An "intermarriage" that I deal with either has (drum roll) the mother as the Jewish partner or the father as the Jewish partner. Jewish law passes Judaism to a child through birth from a Jewish mother. Also known as "Matrilineal Descent." A Jewish woman is either Jewish through her own birth from a Jewish mother, or through conversion. [Conversion these days is unfortunately a complicated discussion. Suffice it to say there are a number of conversion programs that do more for the rabbi and synagogue "sponsoring" the conversion than for the convert.]  You may ask, "Why is Judaism passed automatically through the mother?" I'll answer "I don't know. But it's a Tradition." JUST KIDDING! (thank you, Tevye).

One reason is because when a child emerges from his mother, we can be certain of one thing: this woman is his mother. (though nowadays with surrogates... hmmm... let's not go there). While we are very confident as to who the father is (and nowadays we can test with a paternity test) the moment of birth does not prove his paternity in the same way it proves her maternity.

Translation: If the mother is Jewish, her baby is Jewish, and if her baby is a boy, he needs a bris on the 8th day of his life, assuming he is healthy and there is no need for it to be delayed.

BUT...
You knew there had to be a "But." [This section will typically be irrelevant to a Reform Mohel who will likely accept one Jewish parent as enough to "make a child Jewish." But a Conservative, and certainly an Orthodox mohel will more than likely have similar concerns due to the mother's non-Jewishness, as you will now see.]

But if the baby's father is the Jewish partner, the baby boy that emerges from its non-Jewish mother is not Jewish. As a non-Jewish baby, he does not need a bris. Not on the 8th day. Not ever.

No person who calls a mohel looking to have a bris done on a son, grandson, or great grandson wants to be told "I understand. But according to Jewish law, the baby is not Jewish and does not require a bris." But if it is only the father who is Jewish, that is the baby's reality.

Some mohels will have the baby undergo what is called a "Milah L'Shem Geirus" (Circumcision as the beginning of the Conversion Process). This means that even the mohel does not view the baby as Jewish, as he is doing a "pseudo-bris" (because the baby is not Jewish), taking care of the "bris element" of the baby's conversion. This means that he starts the ball rolling, leaving the baby to undergo the other two steps of his conversion, dunking in a mikveh and acceptance of his Judaism at age 13, to someone else's turf (some other rabbi perhaps) to follow up with. Most mohels who perform this procedure provide documentation that they did the circumcision, but offer no further follow-up in terms of seeing the child through his complete conversion.

Why do Jewish fathers of non-Jewish babies have their children go through with this? I don't know. But it seems to me that any one of these can be true. And maybe I am missing the boat completely.
1. "I am Jewish, so of course my child is Jewish." [he's not]
2. "I have a bris, so my son needs a bris." [he could be circumcised in the hospital if you want to look the same]
3. "I did not consider the repercussions of marrying a non-Jew in so far as children were concerned. We fell in love. Children were not even on the horizon." [I am really not sure how to respond to this one.]
4. "Now that I am a father, my Judaism is very important to me." [Also not sure how to respond to this one.]


PLEASE DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND ME. I AM NOT SAYING "NON-JEWS ARE NOT GOOD PEOPLE." I AM ONLY SAYING "NON-JEWS ARE NOT JEWISH PEOPLE." AND IF JUDAISM DOESN'T STAND FOR ANYTHING TO PRESERVE ITSELF AND ITS RANKS OF JEWISH PEOPLE, JEWS WHO INTERMARRY WILL FULFILL THE WORDS OF MILTON HIMMELFARB, WHO SAID, "What do you call the grandchildren of an intermarried Jew? Christians."


I have recently told some people in this circumstance that if they want me to provide "circumcision services" for the baby of a Jewish father and non-Jewish mother (much as I might for the baby of non-Jewish parents), I would be willing to do so if it is made clear that:
1. This is a circumcision, not a bris.
2. The child is not considered Jewish according to Jewish law.
3. I am not even circumcising "for the sake of conversion" because I generally don't do conversions and do not wish to take that responsibility on my head
4. While I will treat every person I meet with dignity and respect, I do not intend to say any blessings or to make a ceremony seem like it is anything other than a circumcision being done at home.


Most people in this circumstance do not like, and are not willing to accept these conditions.


In conclusion, I have two parting thoughts to share:
1. I wish all new parents the very best for themselves and their children. Raising children is not an easy task. Teaching and modeling good values is a life-long challenge. And transmitting a religion is by no means automatic. It takes hard work, dedication, schooling, dedication, education, dedication, commitment, dedication, consistency, dedication, and a lot of good luck from God above. And did I mention dedication?

2. If a non-Jewish spouse would like to consider undergoing conversion (especially if you're not otherwise committed to your birth religion), here is a reading list that will help get you started in exploring Judaism as an option as a way of life. Any book by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin (Jewish Literacy, Jewish Wisdom, Jewish Ethics, Jewish Values) is a good place to start. The books of Hayyim Donin are quite informative. Herman Wouk's "This is My God"  is a must-read.

Online resources that can be helpful include:
http://www.jewfaq.org/index.htm
http://njop.org/
http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/
http://www.aish.com/
http://www.simpletoremember.com/

Bris in Puerto Rico

Living in Florida has its perks.

I went to Puerto Rico last wednesday for a bris, traveling with some members of the baby's family - we really had a nice time. I am sure that were I still living in NY I would not have been tapped to serve as mohel in PR the few times I have been there. I have been warmly embraced and treated royally by those who have brought me there, and I so appreciate, as I have been told over and over, that "I have a home in Puerto Rico, should I ever want to visit."

Thank you M and G. I cherish your trust and friendship.

Chanukah and Bris Milah

See the entire thought in my other blog:
A thought occured to me related to Chanukah and bris milah. I blogged about it at my other blog, but I am reproducing the relevant-to-bris idea here:

"Why do we have EIGHT DAYS of Chanukah? After all, any miracle of oil only lasted 7 days (thay had found a jug of oil with enough for one day)!"

One approach to answering this question focuses on: "Is there a significance to the number eight that fits into this story?"

Two of the more known answers to the latter question are:
1. The rededication of the Temple was meant to emulate the original dedication of the Tabernacle in the wilderness, which was an Eight-Day-Celebration.
2. On account of the war, the Maccabees were unable to adequately celebrate the holiday of Sukkot. As such, upon the rededication of the Temple, they created a make-up for the holiday they missed. Since Biblically speaking the holiday of Sukkot + Shmini Atzeret is an eight-day period, this served as the model for the Chanukah time span.

Here I offer another possibility. I do not base this in any historical document or anything I found. But a unique connection came to me as I reviewed the decrees that traditionally accepted view of history offers as the background to the rebellion of the few against the many.

The Greeks aimed to destroy three fundamental tenets of Jewish life:
1. Shabbos
2. Rosh Chodesh
3. Bris Milah

Being a mohel, this simple (yet, I feel, profound) connection was staring me straight in the face.

There are all kinds of reasons suggested for why a bris takes place on the eighth day of life. One of them focuses on the idea that the baby will certainly experience a shabbos before he has his bris.

Chanukah goes for eight days, therefore, to remind us the eight-day period that leads up to a bris.
An Eight-day holiday will certainly contain a shabbos.
The fact that Chanukah begins towards the end of Kislev, on the 25th of the month, assures that Rosh Chodesh Tevet will always be observed during Chanukah.

Military celebrations alone are typically celebrated for one day. Think V-E Day (May 8) V-J Day (Sept 2), Purim (14 Adar). By all rights, Chanukah should have been a 1-day holiday.

But Chanukah is meant to be more than just a tribute to a specific date. It is a highly symbolic holiday that represents a victory over assimilation, a commitment to Jewish tradition, mitzvot, and heritage, a reemergence of a "fighting Jew," and the return of Jewish autonomy to our ancient homeland.

And if, in the background, the dates and length of the celebration can serve as a reminder to what we overcame from the perspective of those who made decrees threatening our way of life - what could be wrong with it? I find it very helpful.

Jaundice - When Baby is Yellow

There are differences of opinion as to the propriety of circumcising a jaundiced baby. The argument is based in Talmudic and halakhic discussions, but the details of these Talmudic discussions might not refer exactly to jaundiced babies, and certainly not to "all cases" of jaundice.

As a precaution, I will delay circumcising a baby who has a bilirubin count above 16, unless the numbers are going down. Other mohels will run away from a baby with the number 12 or higher. [I have actually been called to do a bris on several occasions because the pediatrician said it was OK and the parents wanted to have the bris at the proper time, but the mohel they initially hired was scared to do it because he felt the bilirubin count was too high. All brisses went well and babies were fine afterwards.]

The one time I delayed a bris to a different day on account of jaundice (at least the one I recall most vividly, though there were probably others) was when the child's bilirubin count was 22 - he looked like a banana from across the room - and the bris was supposed to be on Shabbos. Since it wasn't feasible to check the baby the night before or the morning of (on account of Shabbos), we pushed it off, and the baby ended up being ready by Sunday.

I recently found this article that explains Jaundice in a very clear manner. It was written by Rabbi Josh Flug, a colleague (and client!), and is worth reading from beginning to end.

http://www.medethics.org.il/articles/JME/JMEM9/JMEM.9.4.asp

Including Women in the Ceremony

At a recent bris, some members of the family approached me afterwards to ask why (in that particular case) women are not included in the ceremony. The circumstances were, for me, far less than ideal, because I usually have a chance to talk with people in advance, to discuss with the baby's parents how they would like to have their ceremony. In this case, I was called in the late evening on the day before the bris, because the family found themselves without a mohel. The baby's grandfather called and made the arrangements.

I was not privy to any conversations they had with the mohel who cancelled on them, so I don't know what transpired - except in the end, the ceremony included the baby's uncle and his two grandfathers, and no one else.

Here are my thoughts on the subject - please read all before rushing to conclusions or judging.
1. There is no single rule that will work for everyone. For example, some mothers want to be up front during the bris, some want to be with friends or family in the middle or back of the room, and some don't even want to be in the room at all.
2. There are different protocols and sensitivities which must be adhered to depending on the venue where the bris is taking place. The rules of a synagogue, for example, are different than rules of one's private home.
3. Until relatively recently, women did not usually come to the bris.
4. In recent times, the sensitivity to be more inclusive of all grandparents in the ceremony has become a predominant concern for a significant number of people.
5. The Sandak (who holds the baby during the bris) must be male.

I could be chauvinistic and say that the bris is a mitzvah observed on a particularly male anatomical feature, and therefore the ceremony should involve males. [There is such a passage in the Talmud regarding who serves as the mohel. Since Avraham was told המול ימול - it is derived that המל ימול, that one who is circumcised will circumcise...]
On the other hand, I could say "Yeah? Well without women, there would not be any baby?!"

If you are looking for a traditional answer, the answer is that the kvatter is the traditional honor in which women are included.

If you are looking for a modern answer, the answer is that women should absolutely be involved when the protocol of the bris venue allows for it. In a traditional synagogue sanctuary (especially right after the morning services), you'd be out of luck. But in an egalitarian institution, and certainly in a neutral catering facility or at home, things would be different. I have been to and presided over brisses in which a grandmother either placed the baby on the chair of Elijah the Prophet or held the baby after the bris - sometimes alone or sometimes together with her husband. I've even done "hatafat dam" while the baby's mother held him.

In short, I don't think the right attitude is to say "NO." I personally go for the traditionalist viewpoint, but I also live in the real world. Some people feel very strongly about these things, while others are more open to seeing a different side. [Though I do think that claiming a "bris ceremony is paternalistic" is a little insensitive in the other direction - Would you want men to be involved in a ceremony that celebrates something related to female anatomy? I wouldn't!]

Bottom line: I think a conversation is in order. I think the baby's parents should have the final say as far as what they want their ceremony to look like.

And I think that all the relatives and friends who get offended by others' choices need to look at the bigger picture. Not being involved in the five minutes of the ceremony is, in the grand scheme of things, not that big of a deal. You can take all the pictures you want before and afterwards, and you can cherish the new baby in your family every waking minute you have the chance to be with him. Giving a guilt trip to those who "excluded you" (even though they meant no offense in it) will only strain a relationship, and is entirely not worth it. Remember that the new parents are going through a lot (especially with a first baby), and may not be thinking of every permutation. Cut them a little slack, cut the mohel a little slack, and just enjoy the day.

Been Updating Photos

I once noted that I don't have pictures in this blog.

That was before I created my Facebook page.

Since creating the page on Facebook, I've been asking people to send photos from their brisses (I obviously can't take photos while working), and some people have been very gracious and generous with their offerings. [The photo here is with the 90+ Holocaust-survivor great-grandfather serving as Sandak. His grandson is assisting him, holding the baby]

I've uploaded some recent ones to my facebook page.

Check 'em out!