When Naming Your Baby...

Most of what is written here is true for both boys and girls. Owing to the nature of this blog/website, the essay is written in the masculine.

Aside from bringing children into this world, parents have the awesome responsibility of giving each child a name. Some names speak to the significance of the baby in the lives of his parents, or a reflection of his personality. Sometimes he is named for a loved one - depending on the family's custom, the honored name might be carried by a living person, or it comes from someone who is deceased.

Some people decide their baby’s name months in advance of his birth. Others wait for the inspiration to come after the baby is born.  

How does one choose a name?

 Honestly, every couple has to find a method which works for them. And they should agree upon the method and the name, and be happy with their decision. I have spoken to people months after a bris, asking “how is ___ doing?” only to be told that that is no longer his name. It didn’t feel right. Hopefully this is not the experience most people are having (in my experience it is very rare, but it does happen).

 Some Sefardic cultures honor a living grandparent by giving the first grandchild the name of that grandparent – either as a first name or as a middle name. In the book Yalkut Yosef, the author says the name of the paternal grandfather takes precedence over the maternal grandfather, but he also says such a preference is not binding. (Some parents come from different cultures – especially in a “mixed” Ashkenazic wife/Sefardic husband situation.)

If a child is to be named for someone who is deceased, the choice is relatively simple when the same name is being given. When the exact name is not being transferred to the child, it becomes more complicated (see below).

If parents are choosing a name they like, it’s a relatively simple matter as well.

It becomes a little more complicated when parents are looking to be “inspired.” But, like many important decisions in life (such as when you decide to get married), when you feel it’s right, you know it’s right.

Different Names For the Same Child

Some parents put a child’s Jewish name on a birth certificate. Others put an Anglicized version of the name (such as Samuel for Shmuel, Gabriel for Gavriel, Jacob for Yaakov) on the birth certificate. Others put a related name (Max for Mordechai, Dylan for David). Still others have completely different “English names” than their Jewish names. Rex Ryan = Moshe Aharon. My uncle’s name is Michael, but his Hebrew name is Binyamin.  

When Naming For Someone But Not Giving the Exact Name

My great grandfather’s name was Chuna – a Yiddishized diminutive of Elchanan. My parents wanted to give me the Hebrew form of the name, so my middle name is Elchanan. This kind of thing happens all the time.

Gramps was named Mottel – a Yiddish version of Mordechai. The parents loved Gramps, but don’t want to name their child Mottel. They might stick with Mordechai. If not, they’ll typically want to keep the initial, so they might opt for a modern name that begins with M: Matan, Matanya, Ma’or or a simple classic such as Moshe or Meir.

Sometimes a boy will be named with great grandma in mind. Her name was Mary. Mary sounds like Meir. Meir also sounds like Miriam. The Biblical Miriam was Moshe’s brother, another option. Or Grandma’s name was Rose. Rose becomes Reuven or Ronen, etc

Who Gets to Choose the Name?

The baby’s parents. No one else.

A Good Rule

A friend of mine told me that he accepts and welcomes all name suggestions from family (new baby’s grandparents, for example) until the end of the second trimester of the pregnancy. This is an excellent rule. The people who are not the parents get to have their say. Then the parents can decide what they will do.

A Story

In Rabbi Herschel Schachter’s book “Nefesh HaRav,” he recounts how the subject of his book, Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, was given his name Yosef Dov/Yusher Ber.

Rabbi Chaim Soloveitchik, the famous Brisker Rov, and grandfather of the new baby, came to speak with his daughter-in-law, the baby’s mother. He told her that according to the custom and the law she (as the mother) has every right to name the baby after whomever she wants, or in whatever manner she wants (the mother gets first rights, even over the father).

And he also told her that to date no one had been named for his father, the Beis HaLevi, Rabbi Yosef Dov Soloveitchik, who had died 11 years earlier.

It is important to interrupt this story with two fun facts: 1. R’ Chaim was known to be squeamish. He did not like to serve as Sandak. 2. It is a great honor for parents, if the baby’s grandfather serves as Sandak, holding the baby during the actual circumcision. In general, it is customary to honor a person whose character traits and Jewish life are honored and respected by the parents to be the Sandak.

R’ Chaim told her that if she would agree to name the child after his father, he would agree to be Sandak, even though it was a role he shied away from.

She agreed. Apparently having R’ Chaim serve as Sandak was more important to her than her own choices of names she may have conferred onto her baby. He was named Yosef Dov/Yusher Ber, just like his great grandfather.

The point of the story is not that R’ Chaim got his way. It’s that he knew he didn’t have to get his way. He wasn’t supposed to get his way. His daughter in law did not have to agree or listen to his suggestion. It wasn’t his call. And he was going to be OK with that – he just wouldn’t swallow his squeamishness and serve as Sandak if they chose to go a different route with the baby’s name. Which would have been fine. Someone else would have been the Sandak.

In Conclusion

It is certainly a wonderful honor to name a child either after a living person or after a deceased loved one or ancestor.

But the parents of the baby must never feel pressured to give their child a name they don’t want to give. Naming a child is a privilege afforded to parents, and as they bring the child into the world, they and they alone have the final say in the baby’s name.

Too many times have I seen the new parents compromise on the name they end up giving their child, against their own wishes, on account of the pressure they feel from their own parents.

If they choose to honor a loved one and give a child the name that has been in the family, that is beautiful. That is wonderful.

If they do not, it says nothing of their relationship with that deceased individual, or with the kin of the deceased.

All it says is that they wanted a different name for their child. And that they exercised their rights as parents to give him the name they wanted to give him.

I bless all parents and grandparents to love all of their children unconditionally. When your children choose to name your grandson using a name that is emotionally meaningful to you, be grateful. If they do not choose such a name, they are not being hurtful or malicious. They are giving their child the name they wanted to give their son. Your grandson will be loved by you all the same. It is not worth making any kind of protest. And hopefully you’ll live long enough that your grandchildren will never have a need to name anyone after you (unless you are Sefardic).

Wishing everyone much nachas…

Including Women in the Ceremony

At a recent bris, some members of the family approached me afterwards to ask why (in that particular case) women are not included in the ceremony. The circumstances were, for me, far less than ideal, because I usually have a chance to talk with people in advance, to discuss with the baby's parents how they would like to have their ceremony. In this case, I was called in the late evening on the day before the bris, because the family found themselves without a mohel. The baby's grandfather called and made the arrangements.

I was not privy to any conversations they had with the mohel who cancelled on them, so I don't know what transpired - except in the end, the ceremony included the baby's uncle and his two grandfathers, and no one else.

Here are my thoughts on the subject - please read all before rushing to conclusions or judging.
1. There is no single rule that will work for everyone. For example, some mothers want to be up front during the bris, some want to be with friends or family in the middle or back of the room, and some don't even want to be in the room at all.
2. There are different protocols and sensitivities which must be adhered to depending on the venue where the bris is taking place. The rules of a synagogue, for example, are different than rules of one's private home.
3. Until relatively recently, women did not usually come to the bris.
4. In recent times, the sensitivity to be more inclusive of all grandparents in the ceremony has become a predominant concern for a significant number of people.
5. The Sandak (who holds the baby during the bris) must be male.

I could be chauvinistic and say that the bris is a mitzvah observed on a particularly male anatomical feature, and therefore the ceremony should involve males. [There is such a passage in the Talmud regarding who serves as the mohel. Since Avraham was told המול ימול - it is derived that המל ימול, that one who is circumcised will circumcise...]
On the other hand, I could say "Yeah? Well without women, there would not be any baby?!"

If you are looking for a traditional answer, the answer is that the kvatter is the traditional honor in which women are included.

If you are looking for a modern answer, the answer is that women should absolutely be involved when the protocol of the bris venue allows for it. In a traditional synagogue sanctuary (especially right after the morning services), you'd be out of luck. But in an egalitarian institution, and certainly in a neutral catering facility or at home, things would be different. I have been to and presided over brisses in which a grandmother either placed the baby on the chair of Elijah the Prophet or held the baby after the bris - sometimes alone or sometimes together with her husband. I've even done "hatafat dam" while the baby's mother held him.

In short, I don't think the right attitude is to say "NO." I personally go for the traditionalist viewpoint, but I also live in the real world. Some people feel very strongly about these things, while others are more open to seeing a different side. [Though I do think that claiming a "bris ceremony is paternalistic" is a little insensitive in the other direction - Would you want men to be involved in a ceremony that celebrates something related to female anatomy? I wouldn't!]

Bottom line: I think a conversation is in order. I think the baby's parents should have the final say as far as what they want their ceremony to look like.

And I think that all the relatives and friends who get offended by others' choices need to look at the bigger picture. Not being involved in the five minutes of the ceremony is, in the grand scheme of things, not that big of a deal. You can take all the pictures you want before and afterwards, and you can cherish the new baby in your family every waking minute you have the chance to be with him. Giving a guilt trip to those who "excluded you" (even though they meant no offense in it) will only strain a relationship, and is entirely not worth it. Remember that the new parents are going through a lot (especially with a first baby), and may not be thinking of every permutation. Cut them a little slack, cut the mohel a little slack, and just enjoy the day.

The Honor of Being Called Again

I've been in Florida for a little over 2 years, and I've already had a few repeat customers. (I have many in New York, but 2 years is about the average between most kids in a family.)

In general, I appreciate the trust you, the parents of newborns, put in me. If you knew me before your baby was born, it is obviously easier for you to make the call. And while I always view doing a bris as a privilege, it is a different experience when you already know one another. To misquote Barney, "I know you, you know me."

If you never met me before you needed to arrange a bris, the trust is even more appreciated. You are calling me "cold" - perhaps after having done your research. And you give me the job of bringing your son into the "mark of the covenant." This is the greatest honor.

Before I became a "Mohelinsouthflorida" I was a mohel in New York. It became a competition with some grandparents, how many of their grandsons had I circumcised.

I believe the record is 6 for two sets of grandparents. (Full disclosure - one of those sets are my parents, who have six grandsons). I have a few sets of grandparents with 5 or 4 grandsons I've circumcised, and whole host of triple and double-dippers - either one each from two (or three) of their married children, or two from one set of parents (which obviously makes the parents repeat customers), etc.

I cherish the trust, the friendship, and the opportunity to serve you and your family at this very special time for your family.

He's YOUR Son, Really

I've blogged about this before - but it deserves a repeat every now and then (though I am presenting things differently)

I was invited to do a bris on shabbos recently, outside of my home town, so my family enjoyed the good company of our relatives who hosted us and the lovely community where the new baby's bris would take place.

Being a visitor for shabbos, as the mohel for the bris in town, I was comfortable introducing myself as a mohel to people (especially pregnant people), even though normally I hesitate to do so (it's my bad business sense that prevents me from this sort of 'ambulance chasing.') In this context it was normal. I met a lot of people, and the conversation always went like this.

"Nice to meet you. Welcome to our community. I am ____, what's your name?"

"Avi Billet. Nice to meet you too."

"What brings you here for shabbos?"

"I am doing the bris tomorrow/ I am doing the bris this morning/ I was the mohel this morning for the bris."

"O - Mazal tov!"

"Thank you. Mazal tov. Good shabbos!"

I had a conversation along these lines with a couple who is expecting a baby soon, at which point they said, "Well, our family only uses Mohel X."

Were you happy with the procedure, with the ceremony, are you aware that the way he does a bris might not follow your standards of halakha (Jewish law)?

"If you know anything about my parents" (says one member of the couple) "you won't argue and you won't ask any questions either."

To which I said, "But it's YOUR baby! YOU have the right to choose what YOU want."

Please don't misunderstand. Had they given any indication that they LOVED (or even liked) the mohel in question, I would have dropped the conversation. An A+ experience with a mohel is a beautiful thing, and they should return to it.

But, they were hesitant, they seemed unsure, and frankly, a little too adherent to old-school mentalities as dictated to them by their parents/ in-laws.

Everyone wants a mohel who does a good job where it counts - meaning surgically, asthetically, and healing wise. Everyone wants there to be minimal bleeding, and for the baby to heal quickly, and without incident. There are never guarantees with anything in life, which is why you do your research, and you pray and hope for the best.

But some people would also like a mohel who relates to them in a way others don't. They want personality "b" instead of personality "a."

All I am saying is this: You NEVER need to settle for an option that is disagreeable to you. Look around, know what questions you want answered, and what you want the answers to be. Make a few phone calls. Read websites, blogs, discussion groups, interview a few mohels, and make a decision.  You owe it to yourself to have the best experience YOU want to have. And you owe it to your baby to give him the best care in every department.

• A mohel who does a bris according to the halakhic dictates of the lifestyle you have chosen for yourself (or the level in Jewish law that you at least want for your son's bris)
• a ceremony that agrees with your personalities and the style you want for yourselves and your guests
• a standard of sterility that is top-notch for a public ceremony such as a bris
• a bris that has a time limit - that does not drag on
• that starts on time and finishes in a timely manner that is respectable to all present - most notably the baby, but which is also sensitive to the needs and schedules of those honoring you with their presence

Best of luck in your research, and in making the choice that is right for YOU.

Family and Friends Focused

Exciting and Emotionally Stressful

The birth of a baby is an extremely exciting time for a family.

It can also be stressful, and emotionally challenging.

* New Moms may be dealing with post-partum depression, nursing challenges, and the stresses that come with bringing a new baby home
* Every aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent, neighbor, friend wants to know "what they can do to help."
* A boy baby translates to a bris to prepare for in a week. Sometimes there is a party Friday night as well.
* The phone calls don't stop, and sometimes all you (new mom and dad) want is a chance to enjoy the baby for yourselves and get some rest when you can.

Planning Ahead

Sometimes it is helpful - BEFORE baby comes - to think things out, to decide who will do what once baby arrives.

In particular, when you know the baby is a boy and more family will be coming to visit and more expediently, it is important to have a plan of who will be playing what roles in that very intense first week.

YOU should decide whose parents (husband or wife) will stay in your home, who will do the cooking, who will be doing the cleaning. Getting help does a lot to relieve the stress of all that is going on. Whether it be a baby nurse or cleaning help, strategize beforehand what fits into your budget, or if your parents are willing to pitch in to make things easier for you.

Delegating

Sometimes, when people ask "how can I help?" they mean to do menial tasks. But if you have a plan for the things you need (who will do the shopping, carpooling - if you have other kids, other errands), people are pleasantly surprised and so willing to pitch in if you have specific tasks for them to do. Remember, if they offer they usually mean it. And if you have something for them to do when they offer, they'll usually come through amazingly.

If you have to call them when you decide you need them, you'll probably never make the phone call.

For the Bris

As far as the bris goes, give me a call and we'll talk. There are things you need to prepare for the ceremony and aftercare, but those are things others can do for you. The lists of supplies are at the top of the page here. Give them to your parents to do. Send them to the pharmacy and/or baby store.

We'll schedule a time to talk, to meet (if you live at a reasonable distance away), and to plan or strategize.

I hope the bris will be the least stressful for you due to our conversations, other than the natural stress that comes with concern over your son's wellbeing during and post his circumcision.

I can't do too much about any natural reservations you may have about the ordeal (more on this in a different post), but hopefully we can come to a reasonable understanding.

Mazal Tov!