What Makes YOU Different?

Someone recently asked me that - in the context of our talking about bris milah and this vocation of mine. Good question.
While some of the things I am about to describe are true with some mohels, I aim to bring them all together.

• The Main difference is that I view the bris experience as an educational experience. I aim to share as much information as I can share with you, so you understand what will be happening to your son, and what you are really asking me to do on your behalf.
• I am one of very few mohels who uses a surgical marker (or any magic marker) to guide the incision I will make during the bris. [Most mohels (arrogantly, in my opinion) "estimate" the foreskin, and don't pay much attention to aesthetics. I know it is important to you, however, and it is therefore extremely important to me that I 'get it right.' Using the marker assures a significantly more consistent result.]
• I spend the time getting to know you, getting a feel for who you are and what you want the bris experience to be. You are never "a number"
• From when bris mode sets in (beginning with our pre-bris meeting or phone conversation - not the "booking" but the "let's go over all the details" one) I am completely at your service until the last time I feel I need to see your baby. I communicate, call, keep you informed of all you need to know. If your home is within driving distance (as opposed to if I came by plane), I can come visit anytime you want afterwards to see how things are looking and let you know of what is still to come. 
• Depending on your particular needs - participation of men, women, family, friends; as well as accomodations for religious observance and preference - I hope to tailor the bris ceremony and experience to your liking.
• I don't have a particular formula that I use every time - it is more like a very loose script that guides our way, but is open to much ad-libbing. All to make each bris unique and special for its participants.
• I am a superstickler for sterility

    - using sterile gloves (many mohels opt for non-sterile, which are less expensive)
    - creating a sterile field for the bris (as is done in an operating room)
    - metzitza with a tube stuffed with gauze - no passage of saliva/blood between mohel and baby
    - all sterilized instruments, drapes and bandages are opened for the first time at the bris

• I am extremely careful to leave your baby with a clean bandage, after having observed for the requisite amount of time that his wound has clotted and that he is not bleeding.
• I give you full instructions for how to care for the wound after the bris, and what you will be seeing.

I hope you will consider utilizing my services, and I appreciate the trust and confidence you put in me. 

He's YOUR Son, Really

I've blogged about this before - but it deserves a repeat every now and then (though I am presenting things differently)

I was invited to do a bris on shabbos recently, outside of my home town, so my family enjoyed the good company of our relatives who hosted us and the lovely community where the new baby's bris would take place.

Being a visitor for shabbos, as the mohel for the bris in town, I was comfortable introducing myself as a mohel to people (especially pregnant people), even though normally I hesitate to do so (it's my bad business sense that prevents me from this sort of 'ambulance chasing.') In this context it was normal. I met a lot of people, and the conversation always went like this.

"Nice to meet you. Welcome to our community. I am ____, what's your name?"

"Avi Billet. Nice to meet you too."

"What brings you here for shabbos?"

"I am doing the bris tomorrow/ I am doing the bris this morning/ I was the mohel this morning for the bris."

"O - Mazal tov!"

"Thank you. Mazal tov. Good shabbos!"

I had a conversation along these lines with a couple who is expecting a baby soon, at which point they said, "Well, our family only uses Mohel X."

Were you happy with the procedure, with the ceremony, are you aware that the way he does a bris might not follow your standards of halakha (Jewish law)?

"If you know anything about my parents" (says one member of the couple) "you won't argue and you won't ask any questions either."

To which I said, "But it's YOUR baby! YOU have the right to choose what YOU want."

Please don't misunderstand. Had they given any indication that they LOVED (or even liked) the mohel in question, I would have dropped the conversation. An A+ experience with a mohel is a beautiful thing, and they should return to it.

But, they were hesitant, they seemed unsure, and frankly, a little too adherent to old-school mentalities as dictated to them by their parents/ in-laws.

Everyone wants a mohel who does a good job where it counts - meaning surgically, asthetically, and healing wise. Everyone wants there to be minimal bleeding, and for the baby to heal quickly, and without incident. There are never guarantees with anything in life, which is why you do your research, and you pray and hope for the best.

But some people would also like a mohel who relates to them in a way others don't. They want personality "b" instead of personality "a."

All I am saying is this: You NEVER need to settle for an option that is disagreeable to you. Look around, know what questions you want answered, and what you want the answers to be. Make a few phone calls. Read websites, blogs, discussion groups, interview a few mohels, and make a decision.  You owe it to yourself to have the best experience YOU want to have. And you owe it to your baby to give him the best care in every department.

• A mohel who does a bris according to the halakhic dictates of the lifestyle you have chosen for yourself (or the level in Jewish law that you at least want for your son's bris)
• a ceremony that agrees with your personalities and the style you want for yourselves and your guests
• a standard of sterility that is top-notch for a public ceremony such as a bris
• a bris that has a time limit - that does not drag on
• that starts on time and finishes in a timely manner that is respectable to all present - most notably the baby, but which is also sensitive to the needs and schedules of those honoring you with their presence

Best of luck in your research, and in making the choice that is right for YOU.

The Right to Choose

I later wrote a Part II to this

You're a young parent. You are about to have your first son (or your second, or your third, etc). You know you're going to be making a bris. You'd like to do research and hire the person you want to do the job. Then mom or dad call and say "Use our friend. He was good enough for you back then." You're thinking, "I don't want a guy who is old enough to be my parent (or grandparent). I want someone who can relate to my experience." Not that the person being recommended is not a good mohel. But your needs are different. [Of course I am not suggesting a mohel should be judged by his age. You should get the right mohel for what you need]

He's your baby. You have the right to choose.

Getting Ahead Means Constant Education - Static is a Formula for Mediocrity

In order to get to the top of one's field, every professional has an obligation to continue one's education. As one mohel put it to me after I had observed him work, "Please tell me what I am doing wrong. I am always learning." Mind you, this man has been a mohel for over 25 years. So I admire him for being able to say this, even though he certainly didn't need any comments of mine.

When you're put on the spot like that, it is hard to be honest. Especially when you don't really know the guy.

So I told him, "Here are the things I would have done differently. I would wear sterile gloves (as opposed to your method of wearing no gloves and using your bare hands). I would have a wastebasket under the table."

What I did not say was, "I would make sure the wine and all materials are there before I begin. I would know who all the key players are (i.e. who is the father, and who are the grandparents) before I begin the ceremony. And I would not delay the start of the ceremony twenty minutes because I am not ready."

I once mentioned to my father that a person who had been reading the megillah on Purim for thirty years must really know it well. My father said, "Yes. Except he's been making the same mistakes for thirty years."

The World of Competition or 'Why Settle for Mediocrity?'It is amazing to me that people settle for mediocrity just because that is what they are used to.

Imagine this scene: There is one kosher restaurant in town. The food is OK (not great), the service is borderline (leaning towards lousy), and the prices are a little higher than reasonable (bordering on ridiculous). You go there only because you don't know anything else, and because you like to eat out every once in a while, but mostly because there are no other options

But don't you think you'd be checking circulars, ads, newspapers, yellow pages, the internet to see if a different kosher restaurant is opening? Let's say this mediocre restaurant is "all you ever knew." Can't you imagine that a different option might be an improvement? Especially if it is looking to compete with what has been, until now, the "only show in town?"

That is a depiction of restaurants.

Why I Prefer to Promote the Finer Qualities of A New Age Mohel

When I was a younger (not as busy) mohel, a friend of mine once said to me in commiseration "Does it really matter if a sixty year old [makes the cut] or if you do it?" His point was that the cosmetic result will be the same. The sixty+ year old in question (a certain mohel in NY), has a reputation and an endless supply of clients. Does it really matter to a young family if they get the thirty year veteran or the (then) five year veteran? All they want is for the bris to go well and for the baby to heal nicely!

Not really.

The New Age Mohel is in tune to modern sensitivities and sensibilities. He uses the most up to date methods of sterilization. He is neat and polished He is extremely aware of the clients he serves, their particular needs, and the needs of their guests who join in their celebration.

And he knows what new parents really want to get out of the bris experience.

What Do Parents Really Want?

New parents want to be treated with dignity and respect. They want the mohel to give them the time of day. They want a person who will sit with them and talk to them, and address their concerns. They want a person who will explain to them the process, who will raise and discuss important issues, who will give them the information they need to feel most comfortable with the process of the bris. They want a mohel who will help guide them and show them different options, to help them understand and find what they want.

They want to see that the mohel practices with a sterile technique. They want to see that he works in a clean space. They want to see that he treats their baby gently. They want to see that they and their baby are not just a number - that they are treated like human beings, like parents who have just had the amazing experience of birth, and who want to have an equally meaningful experience with the bris.

They want follow up. They want the mohel to visit the baby after the bris. To see that everything is OK. To give clear instructions. To call. To be in touch. To care.

See here for a list of good questions to ask a mohel

WARNINGS

Too many people go into the bris experience with too little information. You would never choose a surgeon for yourself without doing research: why pick a mohel for your newborn without doing research?

The bad stories and experiences are usually swept under the rug.
People are embarrassed to talk about their son's penis and his bris.I have heard the following statements from (too many) people who did no research before hiring someone for their son's bris. No one is perfect. But these statements should never have to be said after your son's bris.

THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES FROM PEOPLE I HAVE MET, WHO TOLD ME THE STORY OF THEIR EXPERIENCE AFTER LEARNING I AM A MOHEL (WHO DOES THINGS VERY DIFFERENTLY THAN THESE COMMENTS INDICATE ABOUT OTHERS' BRIS EXPERIENCES)

"The diaper was a mess after the bris."
"The mohel did not give us clear instructions."
"There was a bleeding problem."
"The baby got an infection from the bris." [THIS SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN]
"The mohel was not in touch."
"The mohel did not practice good personal hygiene, or in the way he conducted the bris."
"The mohel told us how to take off the bandage, and instructed us over the phone."
"The mohel was insensitive to our needs."
"I wish I had done more research."
"I wish I had even explored other options."

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.