We'll Call Him... (A Tale)

This is a humorous tale about a bris that I heard second-hand from a friend many years ago (please note that it does sound a lot better when I tell it). On account of this week's Torah portion being Pinchas, my brother reminded me how much he liked the tale. Inspired, I share it here.

The rabbi/mohel was hired to do the bris for a non-observant family. Apparently, he neglected to discuss the baby's Hebrew name - which is always given at the bris, unless the bris is delayed a significant length of time such as for medical reasons.

It is the moment of truth. They are up to the paragraph in which the baby's Hebrew name is announced, and the mohel turns to the parents and says, "What name have you chosen for your son?"

They mention his English name. "Very nice. But what Hebrew name are you giving him?"

They hadn't discussed it. So they have a very quick conference. And they come back with "Esau."

Anybody hear crickets? Esau - עשו - or Eisav (in the traditional pronunciation), the traditionally villainous brother of Jacob.

The mohel hesitates. And then a voice comes from the balcony in the synagogue. "No. No. Pinchas."

The mohel pauses - a voice of reason! The parents say, "Don't listen to her."

Mohel: Who is she?
Parents: She's the baby's great grandmother.  [Apparently the family's only connection to the old country and traditional Judaism]
Mohel: Who is Pinchas?
Parents: It doesn't matter. Just give him the name we gave you.
Great-G: Pinchas Pinchas.

The mohel, in a bind between giving the baby a name that just doesn't smell right (he'll be called to the Torah at his bar mitzvah with this name, and it will be written on any legal Jewish document he ever has his name on) and a sensible Biblical name being presented by a woman who is definitely not the baby's mother, comes up with the plan to save face and bring our tale to its dramatic conclusion.

In a voice booming with authority he asks, "Alright. Who is paying for the bris?"

The parents sheepishly pointed at Great Grandma: "She is."

Mohel: And let his name be PINCHAS.

This Type of Thing Should NEVER Happen

At today's bris, as I was changing the bandage post-bris (in the Private Room), I was chatting with the baby nurse. She is relatively new in the field, and so all of her experiences are very clearly etched in her memory.

She told me that the last baby she cared for was brought to the hospital after the bris, because the mohel cut too much. I could not get a sense of the gravity of the details in question, though she indicated that the baby's glans had been seriously nicked. In either case, she said, "There was so much bleeding. It was a horror."

I asked her if she had accompanied the baby to the hospital. She did, with the baby's parents and their other child.

Funny story? You decide...

Part I

At a bris of a family I knew well, I knew one set of the baby's grandparents, who lived in my community, but not the other set of grandparents. When I met the mother-of-the-baby's father for the first time and figured out who he was in relation to the baby, I made the mistake of saying to him, "O! You must be the other grandfather."

I meant no harm - simply that I knew one grandfather already, and since the baby has another one, I've now identified him.

In a half-joking but half-extremely-serious tone he said to me, "The other grandfather? I am not the other grandfather! I am the baby's grandfather. There are two grandfathers. Neither one is the other."

At least he was fair to his mechutan (is there a word in English for your kid's in-laws?).

Even though I meant no harm, I learned my lesson. Now I tell the story of how I learned not to call any grandfather the "other grandfather."

Part II

At a different bris, the family kept on calling up "the baby's grandfather" to participate in the ceremony - except that there were four of them! Grandfathers, I mean.

Finally, when the last grandfather was called up to serve as the sandak, who holds the baby during the bris, as I was positioning the baby on his lap, I told him the story (Part I).

I said, "I once made a mistake, so I never call any grandfather 'the other' anymore."

Without missing a beat, he said, "Well there were a lot of mistakes made here. And that is why there are four grandfathers."