When Naming Your Baby...

Most of what is written here is true for both boys and girls. Owing to the nature of this blog/website, the essay is written in the masculine.

Aside from bringing children into this world, parents have the awesome responsibility of giving each child a name. Some names speak to the significance of the baby in the lives of his parents, or a reflection of his personality. Sometimes he is named for a loved one - depending on the family's custom, the honored name might be carried by a living person, or it comes from someone who is deceased.

Some people decide their baby’s name months in advance of his birth. Others wait for the inspiration to come after the baby is born.  

How does one choose a name?

 Honestly, every couple has to find a method which works for them. And they should agree upon the method and the name, and be happy with their decision. I have spoken to people months after a bris, asking “how is ___ doing?” only to be told that that is no longer his name. It didn’t feel right. Hopefully this is not the experience most people are having (in my experience it is very rare, but it does happen).

 Some Sefardic cultures honor a living grandparent by giving the first grandchild the name of that grandparent – either as a first name or as a middle name. In the book Yalkut Yosef, the author says the name of the paternal grandfather takes precedence over the maternal grandfather, but he also says such a preference is not binding. (Some parents come from different cultures – especially in a “mixed” Ashkenazic wife/Sefardic husband situation.)

If a child is to be named for someone who is deceased, the choice is relatively simple when the same name is being given. When the exact name is not being transferred to the child, it becomes more complicated (see below).

If parents are choosing a name they like, it’s a relatively simple matter as well.

It becomes a little more complicated when parents are looking to be “inspired.” But, like many important decisions in life (such as when you decide to get married), when you feel it’s right, you know it’s right.

Different Names For the Same Child

Some parents put a child’s Jewish name on a birth certificate. Others put an Anglicized version of the name (such as Samuel for Shmuel, Gabriel for Gavriel, Jacob for Yaakov) on the birth certificate. Others put a related name (Max for Mordechai, Dylan for David). Still others have completely different “English names” than their Jewish names. Rex Ryan = Moshe Aharon. My uncle’s name is Michael, but his Hebrew name is Binyamin.  

When Naming For Someone But Not Giving the Exact Name

My great grandfather’s name was Chuna – a Yiddishized diminutive of Elchanan. My parents wanted to give me the Hebrew form of the name, so my middle name is Elchanan. This kind of thing happens all the time.

Gramps was named Mottel – a Yiddish version of Mordechai. The parents loved Gramps, but don’t want to name their child Mottel. They might stick with Mordechai. If not, they’ll typically want to keep the initial, so they might opt for a modern name that begins with M: Matan, Matanya, Ma’or or a simple classic such as Moshe or Meir.

Sometimes a boy will be named with great grandma in mind. Her name was Mary. Mary sounds like Meir. Meir also sounds like Miriam. The Biblical Miriam was Moshe’s brother, another option. Or Grandma’s name was Rose. Rose becomes Reuven or Ronen, etc

Who Gets to Choose the Name?

The baby’s parents. No one else.

A Good Rule

A friend of mine told me that he accepts and welcomes all name suggestions from family (new baby’s grandparents, for example) until the end of the second trimester of the pregnancy. This is an excellent rule. The people who are not the parents get to have their say. Then the parents can decide what they will do.

A Story

In Rabbi Herschel Schachter’s book “Nefesh HaRav,” he recounts how the subject of his book, Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, was given his name Yosef Dov/Yusher Ber.

Rabbi Chaim Soloveitchik, the famous Brisker Rov, and grandfather of the new baby, came to speak with his daughter-in-law, the baby’s mother. He told her that according to the custom and the law she (as the mother) has every right to name the baby after whomever she wants, or in whatever manner she wants (the mother gets first rights, even over the father).

And he also told her that to date no one had been named for his father, the Beis HaLevi, Rabbi Yosef Dov Soloveitchik, who had died 11 years earlier.

It is important to interrupt this story with two fun facts: 1. R’ Chaim was known to be squeamish. He did not like to serve as Sandak. 2. It is a great honor for parents, if the baby’s grandfather serves as Sandak, holding the baby during the actual circumcision. In general, it is customary to honor a person whose character traits and Jewish life are honored and respected by the parents to be the Sandak.

R’ Chaim told her that if she would agree to name the child after his father, he would agree to be Sandak, even though it was a role he shied away from.

She agreed. Apparently having R’ Chaim serve as Sandak was more important to her than her own choices of names she may have conferred onto her baby. He was named Yosef Dov/Yusher Ber, just like his great grandfather.

The point of the story is not that R’ Chaim got his way. It’s that he knew he didn’t have to get his way. He wasn’t supposed to get his way. His daughter in law did not have to agree or listen to his suggestion. It wasn’t his call. And he was going to be OK with that – he just wouldn’t swallow his squeamishness and serve as Sandak if they chose to go a different route with the baby’s name. Which would have been fine. Someone else would have been the Sandak.

In Conclusion

It is certainly a wonderful honor to name a child either after a living person or after a deceased loved one or ancestor.

But the parents of the baby must never feel pressured to give their child a name they don’t want to give. Naming a child is a privilege afforded to parents, and as they bring the child into the world, they and they alone have the final say in the baby’s name.

Too many times have I seen the new parents compromise on the name they end up giving their child, against their own wishes, on account of the pressure they feel from their own parents.

If they choose to honor a loved one and give a child the name that has been in the family, that is beautiful. That is wonderful.

If they do not, it says nothing of their relationship with that deceased individual, or with the kin of the deceased.

All it says is that they wanted a different name for their child. And that they exercised their rights as parents to give him the name they wanted to give him.

I bless all parents and grandparents to love all of their children unconditionally. When your children choose to name your grandson using a name that is emotionally meaningful to you, be grateful. If they do not choose such a name, they are not being hurtful or malicious. They are giving their child the name they wanted to give their son. Your grandson will be loved by you all the same. It is not worth making any kind of protest. And hopefully you’ll live long enough that your grandchildren will never have a need to name anyone after you (unless you are Sefardic).

Wishing everyone much nachas…

O the Irony!

A Hebrew Name for Brooks

Last Sunday I presided over the bris of a baby who had been given the English name Brooks. His parents asked me if I have any recommendations for a Hebrew name, as they noted that one of the baby's grandfather's has the name Baruch.

I immediately thought of one of the great heroes of the Bible, who is actually mentioned in the Haftorah read the Shabbat of the bris - Barak ben Avinoam - ברק! (Judges, Chapters 4-5) I was not yet aware of the family's political leanings, and I told his mother that the name has been around a lot longer than it has been made famous by the current president.

The baby's mother said to me, "O dear God no. My father hates Obama, and that just won't be possible."

So they named him "Berel." Which is ironic, all things considered, because the President was known as Barry for most of his US formative years. Barry, of course, is a very common English diminutive for Berel.

I have met many Israeli "Barak"s – never been unimpressed. One of the great characters in Leon Uris' "Exodus" was named Barak. It's a great name.

Unless you don't like the President. O well.

We'll Call Him... (A Tale)

This is a humorous tale about a bris that I heard second-hand from a friend many years ago (please note that it does sound a lot better when I tell it). On account of this week's Torah portion being Pinchas, my brother reminded me how much he liked the tale. Inspired, I share it here.

The rabbi/mohel was hired to do the bris for a non-observant family. Apparently, he neglected to discuss the baby's Hebrew name - which is always given at the bris, unless the bris is delayed a significant length of time such as for medical reasons.

It is the moment of truth. They are up to the paragraph in which the baby's Hebrew name is announced, and the mohel turns to the parents and says, "What name have you chosen for your son?"

They mention his English name. "Very nice. But what Hebrew name are you giving him?"

They hadn't discussed it. So they have a very quick conference. And they come back with "Esau."

Anybody hear crickets? Esau - עשו - or Eisav (in the traditional pronunciation), the traditionally villainous brother of Jacob.

The mohel hesitates. And then a voice comes from the balcony in the synagogue. "No. No. Pinchas."

The mohel pauses - a voice of reason! The parents say, "Don't listen to her."

Mohel: Who is she?
Parents: She's the baby's great grandmother.  [Apparently the family's only connection to the old country and traditional Judaism]
Mohel: Who is Pinchas?
Parents: It doesn't matter. Just give him the name we gave you.
Great-G: Pinchas Pinchas.

The mohel, in a bind between giving the baby a name that just doesn't smell right (he'll be called to the Torah at his bar mitzvah with this name, and it will be written on any legal Jewish document he ever has his name on) and a sensible Biblical name being presented by a woman who is definitely not the baby's mother, comes up with the plan to save face and bring our tale to its dramatic conclusion.

In a voice booming with authority he asks, "Alright. Who is paying for the bris?"

The parents sheepishly pointed at Great Grandma: "She is."

Mohel: And let his name be PINCHAS.

What's In A Name?

Many bris speeches tend to focus on explaining the name that has been given to the baby.

Often enough he is named for a family member who has passed on, such as a grandparent or great grandparent, or an uncle or some other distant relative. Some families opt to name a boy after a grandmother - obviously he is not given the woman's name, but he may be given the same first initial. Grandma Nettie will become Natan. Great-Aunt Shirley will become Shlomo.

At its core, the practice is simple. Carry on a name, retain a heritage.

On a deeper level, we fondly recall those who are gone when we think about the name we have given this child, and we hope the name, and all it represents to us, will be embodied by the child who now carries it.

Why We Name the Baby at the Bris

[Subsequent to writing this, I wrote an article on this subject which appears in my other blog]

There is no Biblical injunction to name a baby boy at his bris. It is clear that when the forefathers were born they were named immediately - Yitzchak was given his name first (Genesis 21:3), THEN he was circumcised in the following verse (21:4).

When Yitzchak's sons were born, they were named immediately (25:25-26). Each of Yaakov's sons was named as soon as he was born (Chapters 29-30).

[Full disclosure: God changed Abraham's name from "Avram" to "Avraham" after he circumcised himself.]

So why do we name the baby at the bris?

This leads into a larger question of why we do all the things we do at the bris? Why does the ceremony look the way it does now? How much of it is rooted in Kabbalistic practices? Medieval practices? European practices? Middle Eastern practices?

After all, the Torah only commands that the baby be circumcised on the eighth day, and perhaps a celebration should accompany the circumcision. But there is no mention of a sandak, Elijah (who of course had not been born yet), or the formalized ceremony we see today, including the naming taking place after the circumcision.

What if the bris is postponed for health reasons, or not performed at all because of a history of hemophilia in the family? Is the baby not named? Of course the baby is given a name! Which would indicate that naming at the bris is not all that significant.

So why do we name the baby at the bris?

Here are a few ideas I have found in researching this question

A. When Elijah the Prophet is present

In Genesis 2:19, the Torah says וכל אשר יקרא לו האדם נפש חיה הוא שמו. That after meeting all the animals, Adam gave each one a name.

I read somewhere that the acronym of the first five words of this phrase are the letters of the name אליהו - Eliyahu/Elijah. The first letters of the next three words, נ, and ח, and ה have a numerical value of 63, which is the same as the word נביא - prophet.

The last word is שמו, which means "his name," and we have found our significance. When Elijah the Prophet is present, that is when "his name" is proclaimed.

B. Completing a Jewish Identity

Some will argue that the bris is the final step in making a baby a Jew, and so his name comes at this highly significant moment. I have already debunked this myth.

More palatable, the name is a completion of the individual's identity. If the bris completes his physical body (as Abraham is told in Genesis 17 to "walk before Me and become complete" through the act of circumcision), it is only after the bris that his name can be given to him. (Rabbi Menachem Azariah deFano (1548-1620), "Mamaarei Rama MiPano")

C. Tumah/Tahara

Until the bris he was uncircumcised – which is not the ideal state of a male Jew. Any name he may have had until his bris was unbecoming to his identity as a Jew – so he receives a Hebrew name at his bris, in celebration of his new physical status.

***********

There are differences of opinion as to when girls are named in relation to their birth, but everyone agrees that a girl is given her name on a day when the Torah is read, when her father is called for an aliyah or some other Torah reading participatory role.

For more on this subject - regarding boys and girls, see this article

Getting Family and Friends Involved

In addition to the excitement and joy which comes with the birth of every child, friends and family gather to celebrate the continuation of our People, and our relationship with God that is symbolized by the bris.

For most people, especially those with a very close family, it is essential that family members participate in the ceremony. This is ideal.

Thankfully, the ceremony has many roles that need to be filled. But first, a word about protocol.

Men and Women

When it comes to public ceremonies, Jewish tradition has a thought about what is considered proper and improper, modest and immodest. These issues are subjects of a much larger discussion which I may write about elsewhere.

In a nutshell, to help keep modesty in check, Jewish law established separation of sexes in public ceremonies. As such, while a man may stand next to his wife (and vice versa), it is considered immodest for a man to stand with someone else's wife lest others perceive something, get the wrong idea and perhaps start gossiping.

Where the bris ceremony takes place, such as a home or a synagogue, would determine the proper protocol for the setting - is it, in essence, a private or a public ceremony? This would also determine the degree of participation of both sexes.

The Roles to be Played

In this segment, I will lay out the roles, briefly explain them, and make suggestions as to who should/can play the role and in what context it is inappropriate. Participants in the ceremony should all be Jewish. In the event the father is not Jewish, there are times when he can hold his son during the ceremony as well.

Kvatter - This couple (man and woman) bring the baby to the bris room, the wife taking the baby from his mother, handing him to her kvatter husband, who brings the baby to his father.
This is a male/female tag team. They are either a married couple, or a father/daughter or mother/son team (some might allow sister/brother)

Kisei Eliyahu (Elijah's Chair) - A person puts the baby on a chair designated for Elijah the Prophet.
In a synagogue it is usually a male, often the baby's uncle or great uncle, or some other relative or friend. At home, it can be the same, or baby's aunt, etc.

Sandak - Holds the baby on his lap during the bris.
Synagogue or home - the sandak must be male. First dibs go to baby's grandfather or great-grandfather. If grandfathers have been used at brisses of your older sons, some people include rabbis or dear friends, as the custom in Ashkenazic families is to not repeat sandaks among siblings.

Brachot/Blessings - Two blessings are recited to sanctify the moment and give special significance to the day.
The male reciting the blessings should read Hebrew fluently, understand their meaning, and should be a committed Jew. The default figures for these blessings are the mohel or the rabbi.

Naming the baby - This is a paragraph in Hebrew that officially invokes the baby's Hebrew name.
It is often recited by the same person who is honored to say the blessings (previous). It may be recited by anyone, but as it is a long paragraph in Hebrew, the person should be able to read Hebrew well.

EVERYONE in the room responds with declarations praising God and wishing well - blessings and all - upon the baby. When the crowd is unfamiliar with these Hebrew statements, I generally recite them word by word so all can repeat them together in unison.

Holding the baby for blessings and/or naming (previous two entries) - The person who plays this (these) role(s), should be significant to your family. Imagine this person having a relationship with you and your baby for a long time.
If one grandfather sat as sandak, consider having the baby's second grandfather hold him for the naming - this role is sometimes called the "Standing Sandak." Otherwise, in a synagogue a male will often play this role, while at home, it might be either of the baby's parents or grandparents. Sometimes two people will hold the baby together - both grandmothers, for example.

The Ceremony and the Honors

The baby starts off with his mother in a private room. The room changes depending on the venue - it could be a bedroom in an apartment or house, an office or bridal room in a synagogue or catering facility - any place which gives the baby breathing room and an intimate environment where baby’s mother can nurse or otherwise feed him after the bris.

The mohel may or may not prepare the baby prior to the bris. If the baby is “prep”ed by the mohel, the baby can be brought out when he is ready. Otherwise he should be brought out when the mohel calls for him.

For information on how to choose people for the following honors, see the end of this section.

The baby is brought into the room where the bris will take place by a “kvatter” couple. The couple consists of a male and female who are either married to one another or are mother/son or father/daughter or brother/sister. Their role is to be the medium passing the baby from his mother to his father.

After he is passed to kvatter, the mother can go to her “spot” for the bris. Some mothers prefer to stay in the back or in a different room. Some like to be right up front. If you have a rabbi, speak with him about what is best for you based on your tradition. There also tend to be different protocols for home circumcisions versus synagogue circumcisions.

In many traditions, the baby is next placed on the chair of Elijah, the “kisei shel Eliyahu.” Some verses are recited, paying tribute to a staunch defender of the covenant of Bris Milah, Elijah the prophet. Note how he makes an appearance here, similar to the one he makes at the Passover Seder.

The baby is handed to the father who first appoints the mohel to be his messenger to do the bris. This helps the father fulfill his obligation to be the actual person performing the circumcision.

(In Jewish law, a person can appoint a messenger, a “shaliach,” to perform certain commandments on one’s behalf. Other examples include sending someone to donate your charity money, or giving and accepting Jewish legal documents.)

Depending on the family custom, the father’s blessing might be recited now (Sephardic or Middle Eastern tradition).

The father places the baby on the sandak’s lap, where he will be held during the actual circumcision. The sandak honor is considered the highest one can bestow upon a person at the bris.

At the moment of circumcision the mohel recites a blessing and then the father recites a blessing (Ashkenazic tradition), and the congregation responds accordingly.

After the circumcision is over and the baby is bandaged and wrapped up, he is held by another honoree, who is sometimes called the “standing sandak.”

While the baby is held, two blessings are recited by the rabbi, mohel or an honoree, who is holding a cup of wine. After that another paragraph is recited in which the baby is officially given his Hebrew name.

Mazal Tov!

PICKING THE HONOREES

The rules: All participants in the bris ceremony should be Jewish.

Every other absolute rule is in bold. Anything else is a suggestion or might change based on the venue - ie home versus synagogue. Usually the honorees are all male, save in the kvatter component.

The kvatter: The kvatter is a married couple unless they are a male/female team as described above. Some people have the custom to give this honor to a couple who as yet do not have children, with the hope that in the merit of participating in this event they will be blessed to have a child. If all your married friends and relatives have children, then the honor can be given to any married couple. Some people give it to a great aunt and uncle.

What about having more than one “kvatter”?

No problem. Some people have unmarried siblings (aunts and uncles to baby) or other friends they’d like to get involved. My rule is simple: “Women first, then men. Let the last woman hand the baby to her husband (the first man).”

Elijah’s Chair: This honor can be given to anyone. Some give it to a rabbi, some to an uncle, some to a dear friend. If this is not your first son, many people try to give honors to individuals who were not honored at the previous bris.

Sandak: The sandak must be male. He is usually the baby’s grandfather or great-grandfather. There is a custom, once past the first bris, to use a different sandak for every subsequent bris of your children. A person may be sandak many times – but for only one of your sons. Some Sephardic traditions re-use sandaks.

Blessings and Naming: Should be read by someone who reads Hebrew fluently. In a traditional ceremony, the one who recites the blessings is an observant Jew. In many cases, the rabbi or the mohel will recite the blessings as the default honoree.

Holding the baby/Standing Sandak: This honor can be given to anyone. It is often split - one person for the blessings, and one for the naming. When there are two grandfathers, this is usually when one or both get involved. If one was the regular sandak, the other will typically fill this role. If a great-grandfather was the regular sandak, the grandfathers might split the baby-holding.