Dear Husband

I have written several notes to the father about what is expected of him before and during the bris.

Here is one about the things the father needs to do, and one about whether/when/if the father opts to make the incision himself. Now I venture out of mohel role for a moment, as I talk to you as a friend and a father, who was a husband before being a father, and more than likely before becoming your friend.

Part II - a note to grandparents (please share with parents or in-laws, but only if it will be helpful to your situation

Dear Husband,

Congratulations on the birth of your new son! I am sure this is a moment you have been waiting for - for a long time. You have a boy, a son who will carry your name, to whom you can teach everything you want, from sports, to interests, to Torah, to the great upbringing you will undoubtedly provide for him.

But this is not a letter to you, the father. This is a letter to you, the husband.

Look at the woman who just gave birth to this child. Remember that for nine months she endured a pregnancy and all that goes with it. Whether she loved her pregnancy or hated it, whether she had cravings or did not, whether she was more beautiful than ever or pregnancy did things to her (ie morning sickness, bloating, etc) you could have never imagined, whether she got pregnant easily or it was an ordeal (which you both went through), remember that she went through all of this for YOU.

You have a mitzvah to have a child. She does not. She may WANT to have a child, but it is her choice. She becomes the vessel through which you fulfill your obligation to "be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth."

Conception takes a second. Pregnancy is a long ordeal. Your job is simple. Hers is much harder.

And remember who will more likely experience more sleepless nights (especially if she is nursing)? Who is likely to be more involved in the raising of your son?

Please don't think I am accusing any father of shirking his responsibilities as a father. 

But don't forget your responsibility as a husband. Appreciate your wife, the mother of your child. Love her. Cherish her. Honor her. Respect her. Be patient with her.

Birth is a stressful time. The bris could be a very stressful time. It requires a different kind of resilience to make it through this time period with no regrets.

I am so happy to report that I have seen incredible acts of kindness and chesed and concern and care displayed between husband and wife and vice versa in the days when I am present in the home, shortly after the birth (before bris), at the bris, and certainly after the bris.

At the same time (and this is why I write to you, husband of Amazing Woman), I have seen too many people get into regrettable arguments (in my presence!) over what are usually (in my opinion) the silliest of things - about the honors for the bris, who will be involved, etc; about who will change the diaper, who will get the diapers or the wipes, whose turn it is, etc; over who contributes more to this marriage...

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! And I'll add an "oy vey" for good measure! Even if you need to have the fights, please PLEASE have them AFTER I leave. 

But I wonder if it is even necessary, dear husband. Because you should be looking for EVERY opportunity to give your wife a break, to not have to make her climb stairs, to not have her run around looking for things, to not have to change every diaper. And if she is forgetful or if she gets impatient, or if things don't go exactly your way, let it go. The only pass I'll give you is if the baby is exclusively nursing (a move I applaud and encourage, for the baby's sake - as long as Mommy can handle it), you don't have to feed him.

Remember why you got into this in the first place - marriage, baby, the whole megillah. The baby should enhance your love, admiration, respect for and appreciation of one another. He should not bring about unnecessary stress and tension between you.

As to how you deal with your in-laws? For that you're on your own. :)

I care about your dear and precious wife who has done more for you in the last week months of your lives than you could ever do for her. God bless her. And you should too.

All the best

Avi Billet

The Inauthenticity of "Authenticity"

A mohel in NY called me recently because he was watching a bris on YouTube at which I was the mohel, and he had a comment about the timing of my putting on my gloves. His observation was duly noted, but I had to inform him that I wear two pairs of gloves, the top one protecting the lower pair in the moments leading up to the bris.

I find it much easier and quicker to take off a pair of gloves, rather than put them on, at the moment I am ready to begin.

Apparently my back was 'facing' the camera. He rewatched it and was able to discern, by the sound and the pause, that what I said was accurate. A few minutes later, he texted me that he "got it," and we shared a few tidbits about the trade.

Please understand - I was so appreciative of the phone call! Because here is a mohel who understands that sterility is no joke, and the appearance of sterility must meet with a reality of sterility.

So this was a breath of fresh air. Because the truth is, there is a world of mohels and their legitimizers who believe that the way that Abraham circumcised, and the way our ancestors in Europe circumcised, is the only authentic way to do it.

Whether they are against the use of the pipette for metzitzah, a hemostat for efficiency, a shield for protection of the glans (shudder!), gloves for sterility, or the highest standards of sterility that could be maintained outside of the Operating Room (because heaven forfend the bris koidesh should be viewed as surgery in any way - this is not a medical procedure! This is a mitzvah!), their vision of "maintaining authenticity" makes a mockery of medical advances, germ theories, and safety precautions that should be standard fare for every mohel who "operates" (yes, operates) on any child.

The truth is that the only authentic bris is the one that presents no inherent possibility of danger to the baby, beyond what the Torah obligates - that the foreskin be removed accompanied by the blood of the circumcision. Pain should be minimal, bleeding should be minimal, and risk of infection or damage should be NONEXISTENT.

This is authentic. This is living up to the tradition and covenant of Avraham Avinu.

The Life and Times

Being a mohel is not a full-time occupation of mine. Sure, there are times I wish it could be. But between there being many mohels here in South Florida and whatever factors, it is not the reality now. Which is fine. Every mohel has very busy weeks with between 5 and 10 brisses, and every mohel has the occasional lull with 0 brisses in a week.

Thank God, I have other things going on in life, so my mohel blogging has taken a small hit, and I apologize to those who have found this blog helpful, that I haven't been updating.

And yet, those who have taken the time to search the blog have given me wonderful feedback, in person and through email, about how much they appreciated what has been "published" thus far. And for that I am grateful.

Here is to a busy but good life! In which there is much more diversity than brisses. And in which there is more to life than blogging. :)

Always grateful to those who put their trust and baby's bris needs to my hands.

Shalom - peace and nachas to you and your families.

A Busy Weekend

Three brisses this weekend - in Boynton Beach, Coconut Creek and Miami Beach.

That about sums up South Florida Jewry for you.

Peace!

Sterilize and Reuse or Disposable?

I was recently asked how I sterilize my equipment (answer: autoclave, except for the scalpel blades which are used once and discarded), and if I was open to the parents buying their own set of instruments for the bris for one time use to be disposed of afterwards?

Answer: I am open to it - by all means! As long as it is an expense the parents want to bear.

There are different companies outside of the USA who specialize in providing such merchandise/ equipment. It works in Europe. But I don't know how popular such an approach would be in this country.

Most people want to pay an all inclusive honorarium (however that is calculated) to a mohel, and don't want to bother with added expenses.

Of course, if a mohel wants to open such a possibility to parents, I suppose parents who want to could go the route of buying these things themselves.

Here are a couple of kits I found online. If you are interested - good luck with your purchase!

http://www.bris-milah.com/ [This one is clearly marketed to mohels... but give a call!]

http://www.brithmila.com/brith-kit/kit-brit-milah.html

News Monitor: Israel and Europe

jpost.com has a number of articles on the role Europe is taking in the modern circumcision debate.

Here is the latest.

http://www.jpost.com/Diplomacy-and-Politics/Shas-Yesh-Atid-MKs-unite-in-fighting-European-anti-circumcision-measure-334548

Shas, Yesh Atid MKs unite in fighting European anti-circumcision measure

By LAHAV HARKOV

12/10/2013 13:11

In a rare case of cooperation, Knesset members from both factions to head to Paris to battle resolution.

Baby undergoes circumcision Photo: REUTERS

In a rare case of cooperation between Shas and Yesh Atid, MKs headed to the Council of Europe’s Presidium in Paris Tuesday evening to continue battling anti-circumcision measures on the continent.

MK Reuven Rivlin (Likud Beytenu) led the delegation, which includes MKs Yitzhak Vaknin (Shas) and Ronen Hoffman (Yesh Atid), to fight a Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe (PACE ) resolution protecting children’s rights to their bodies. The measure – proposed by German MP Marlene Ruprecht and passed on October 1 – could be understood as banning ritual male circumcision for children, along with female circumcision, tattoos and body piercing for those under 18.

The initiative is non-binding, but member states take PACE votes seriously. The Knesset has made significant efforts to collect signatures from European parliamentarians on a counter- resolution it seeks to pass in April, reaching 102 signatures as opposed to 77 MPs who voted for the anti-circumcision measure.

The Rivlin-led delegation will meet with leaders of four of the Council of Europe’s five factions to convince them to put the Knesset’s counter-resolution on the PACE agenda for either late January or April. The Presidium, which consists of faction chairpeople, will set the agenda for those two meetings on December 15.

According to Rivlin, the anti-circumcision measure “is not a legitimate decision, and it is a joint goal of Jews, Muslims and anyone who believes in freedom of religion and conscience to cancel it.”

Rivlin, Vaknin and Hoffman plan to meet with party leaders and members of the Council of Europe’s Presidium and present them with the 102 signatures from PACE members, aiming to show that the original measure was passed unfairly when only a small number of MPs were present.

The Likud Beytenu MK expressed concern that parliaments in Europe would adopt the resolution and expand it to other religious customs, such as kosher slaughter, which is illegal in several European states.

“We want to make it clear to the Europeans that even if it’s legitimate for them to intervene in diplomatic or regional issues, it is not legitimate for them to be involved in Judaism and freedom of religion,” Rivlin added.

In their meetings with European MPs, MKs used research by the American Pediatric Association touting the health benefits of circumcision – including halving the risk of contracting HIV through intercourse – to show that the procedure is not a danger to children. They also cited studies by ethicists showing that it is not an ethical issue for a parent to circumcise a boy for his future benefit, even if he does not have a say in the matter.

In addition, last month, The Journal of Sexual Medicine published a peer-reviewed study by researchers at the University of Sydney proving circumcision does not reduce sexual pleasure.

Rivlin, Vaknin and Hoffman will also attend a meeting of PACE ’s Diplomatic Committee on the status of the Palestinian delegation, which was declared a “partner for democracy” two years ago. In addition, they will meet with French MPs and members of the Jewish community in Paris.

Bringing Kids To A Bris

Obviously the baby...

At what age is it appropriate for a child to attend a bris?

I think any age is appropriate to be there for the celebration and party. The question is really about what they need to know and where they need to be during the circumcision portion of the event.

For whatever reason, children gravitate towards the scene of the action. While this is a good quality to have, it is probably not the best thing at a bris. The baby is crying, surgical instruments are being used, and of course, the act of circumcision itself (removal of the foreskin) is not the visual a child needs to have in his or her brain.

I always instruct kids under 12 or 13 to move back, which they typically do begrudgingly.

If they are a little older, I try to judge - in my brief interaction with them - if they are acting maturely and can stomach what will take place. If yes and yes, they can stay. If not, then I politely but firmly request that they move further back.

As far as younger children goes, parents are very creative in explaining to them what is taking place.

I personally prefer honesty, but you have to know your child and what s/he will understand.

"We are going to the party for the baby." (not enough information)
"We have a special mitzvah to remove a small piece of skin from the baby."
"A rabbi/dr/man called a "mohel" is going to do this. The baby will cry a little, but he's going to be OK."

To a boy some parents add, "You had a bris when you were a baby, at the same age. Do you remember it? Did you even know that you had that happen?"

Most kids don't push much more. They were curious, the question was answered - it is honest and correct, without giving too much information that might scare a child.

Of course once the circumcision is over and the baby is out of the room, no explanation is needed to enjoy a party! Cheers!

Awareness Factor

Parents of a new baby have different approaches to hiring a mohel.

Some call the mohel based on the recommendation of friends. They have no questions. Their friend had a good experience and they want the same. 

Some call many mohels, ask a few questions to each, and try to find the mohel that best fits their needs.

Parents who have been through the bris process before - whether once, twice, or more - more or less know from experience what they want the bris to be like. If they were satisfied in earlier brisses, they'll call their mohel back each time. (Unless they've moved states, or he's moved! Though I've had a number of people call me from NY, my old stomping grounds, and I still go back there on occasion for repeat customers)

In this past week alone, I've met with a couple of families dealing with their third boy (I did not do any of their previous brisses), and they articulated to me why they called me this time.

Their concerns included that a previous mohel did not and refused to wear gloves

They were unsatisfied with a previous mohel's standards of cleanliness and sterility

In their most recent bris, the bandage came off and there was blood everywhere (here's why this should not happen)

They wanted to understand metzitzah and why previous mohels insisted on doing it the way which does not conform to their sensibilities (see also here and here)

One wanted to know if I use a clamp.    I do not.

ASKING IS ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY. Here are links from the Topical Index about important questions to raise before the bris

Good Questions to Ask ANY Mohel
Prioritizing Our Questions
Wrong Attitude is NOT to Ask

FAQ - Summary (links to answers to the questions) - Shorter Answers Appear in a Link at the top of the page
Inquiries Welcome

CONCERNS - SUMMARY OF IMPORTANT LINKS

GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING! Be in touch with your inquiries!

Achieving Perfection

Every mohel worth his sense tries to get a perfect circumcision every time. Some estimate the foreskin - others (I wish it were many more) use a surgical marker to note where the edge of the foreskin is (I offer for parents to see what this refers to when we meet in advance of the bris).

Any circumcision must account for a little bit of human imperfection - and I love quoting the line of the urologist grandfather who told me, "The penis is a very forgiving organ" meaning that for all the circumcisions that don't look perfect that he sees, most turn out fine on account of the way this organ heals over time.

While I have had my share of "perfect jobs," it would be dishonest for me (or any mohel, or any surgeon) to say that EVERY procedure goes perfectly without a hitch. Many do. But there are those that are a little more complicated. Thankfully, many "hitches" (when they occur) can be corrected, and I try to fix them ASAP after the bris. 

So what is referred to by "Achieving Perfection?"

It is the instruction given to Avraham at his bris! "Avraham - walk before me and become perfect" (some translate perfect as "complete." The Hebrew word is "Tamim" = תמים.)

The perspective of Jews that have always embraced circumcision as a mitzvah is that the act of circumcision makes the Jewish male complete.

[The thought process continues suggesting that women do not need a circumcision because they are created physically complete.]

Anti-circumcision people sometimes argue that a baby is born perfect. What gives us the right to do anything to the child.

It is a good argument. But it is ignorant of Jewish knowledge. Which is why we ignore it.

Parents cut umbilical cords, they cut hair, they cut fingernails, they clean out earwax, they pierce ears, they put injections, blood tests, and in some cases choose surgery as an option for either an emergency reason, or, in some cases, a cosmetic reason (yes! even on babies!). 

So we will continue to aim to achieve the perfection God spoke of in Genesis 17 (and we will not yell at anyone who cuts a "natural" umbilical cord off of its baby owner). That is our goal when we undertake the Bris Milah.

A Wise Opinion About NYC and Metzitzah

My position on metzitzah is clear. And the politics that have been going on over the practice in NYC has been a public discussion for far too long.

Here is an article from the NY Post which concludes with the following paragraph.

"This is a crucial election for New York, with many vital issues at stake. It’s tough enough to know what to do about schools, taxes, spending and crime without having our candidates have to weigh in on a Jewish ritual that never should have become a government issue in the first place."

Couldn't have said it better myself.